


a pause

by Champagne



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety, Dissociation, M/M, Minor suicidal ideation, post 159
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23142490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Champagne/pseuds/Champagne
Summary: running away has a different feel to it when it's done in self preservation instead of self destruction
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 1
Kudos: 54





	a pause

**Author's Note:**

> no beta, little editing, and personal  
> 

It’s a quivering feeling, a burbling in his stomach and a static dancing across his nerves. It’s an anxiety as much as it’s an expectation, something that eggs him on at the same time it weighs down his legs like he’s wearing cement shoes. It takes Jon a long time, too long in his opinion, to properly examine, dissect, sort and label the feeling, and by the end he’s still not sure if it’s a good feeling or a bad one. It's anticipation under his skin, balancing on a knife edge and swinging wildly back and forth.

His legs itch to stretch out, to plant his feet on solid ground and move him on their own, to walk to his destination if he’d let them. But at the same time his throat is tight with a brick-solid fear, making it difficult to breathe and swallow and speak, and it leaves him deathly silent for long enough that Martin begins shooting him worried glances. Jon wishes he had enough control over his own emotions to be able to tell Martin that he’s fine, he wishes even more that he could say it and mean it, but the near solid mass in his throat prevents him from even taking too deep of a breath.

Martin pulls over not long after they get into Scotland proper. Jon is out of the car before the car is even put into park, and Martin calls after him with worry and frustration weaving through his voice as he struggles to follow him. Jon has to move, he has to do something, and pacing circles around the car is as good as he can get, because stepping too far away sends more electricity through his limbs and makes him jittery in a way that has him rubbing his arms and trying very hard not to think about anything at all. Inaction feels dangerous, like he'll fall apart at the seams, like motion is the only thing keeping him in one piece, like it's the only thing keeping every terrible thing chasing them from catching up.

He spends the next minutes striking down every stray thought that crosses his mind with surprisingly ruthless efficiency, something he wishes he’d possessed far earlier in life, until all that’s left is the image of puffy white clouds in the sky and the feeling of Martin’s hands on his arms, spinning him around. Jon knows he’s talking, can see his lips moving, can see how his brow is furrowed with that same frustration and worry from earlier, but he feels like he’s observing it all through several feet of glass. Martin’s voice is echoing, distant, distorted and unintelligible, and Jon just nods along because it’s easier than trying to force his mind to understand words when he’d already tried so hard to stop his mind from understanding anything at all.

Martin is warm when he pulls Jon to his chest. Jon finds that the only acceptable thought is one in which he imagines himself and Martin far, far away.

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: ,  
> but i figured that was a bit difficult to search for, so i decided to use the meaning instead


End file.
